STEVE JOBS

This is the text of the Commencement address [at Stanford University] by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005.

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

TALENT

People don't change that much.
Don't waste time trying to put in what was left out.
Try to draw out what was left in.
That is hard enough.

Use only the following 3 terms when describing human behavior.

[1] Skill = 'How to' of a role. Break down the total performance into steps, which the student then reassembles. Best way to learn = practice.

[2] Knowledge = What you are aware of. Factual knowledge and experiential knowledge [Experiential = Much harder to teach. Acquiring it is your responsibility. Look back at past experiences and try to make sense of them].
[1] and [2] can be taught.

[3] Talent = Any RECURRING patterns of behavior [or] thought [or] feeling that can be productively applied and that fit the role. Cannot be taught. You can only select for talent. 3 Types.
'Why' of a person [striving]
'How' of a person [thinking]
'Who' of a person [relating]
Habit, attitude and drive are all talents.

MOST IMPORTANT = Match the talent with the role. Know what talents you are looking for while recruiting. Identify one critical talent in each of the 3 talent categories - striving, thinking and relating. Focus on them during the interview process.

STUDY TECHNIQUES

[1] Take Breaks = During breaks do not talk to anyone, just relax.You must continue to study after the break.Follow the ‘break routine’[Physical stretching movement = do not stretch so much that it aches, Relaxation = close eyes and breathe deeply, Focus = on results you want].Or go for a coffee break and return.

[2] Systematic Revision = Helps transfer material in short-term memory to long-term memory. You tend to waste time reading extra words [those not needed] when you revise.Spend less time on stuff you know well.Use of fast reading is not in learning a subject for the first time but when revising it.

[3] Imagination = To think is to practice brain chemistry – Deepak Chopra. To make imagination more powerful enter a relaxed state.Imagination may be absurd, big/small, meaningless, 3 dimensional, sexual, involving color’s / movement and all the 5 senses. ’stretch the mind’.Look from several angles.Dwell on it.Compare and Contrast.Churn out similarities, examples.

[4] Regular study habits = Much easier to work in a sustained and systematic fashion.A certain self-discipline and regularity are demanded by any extended course of study.Perform a daily stint.In time adherence to the habit becomes effortless, a natural part of your life.Be patient = Time is needed for thinking and for consolidating your knowledge.Stick doggedly to the self-appointed task even when you appear to be making little progress.

[5] Understanding = Any new concept or fact must be linked in as many ways as possible to your existing body of knowledge.Connect like crazy.

[6] Recitation and Recall = outlining to oneself the substance of a passage.Provides a frame work into which more details can be fitted.Discover general principles – now there is far less to remember.

[7] Overlearning = Continue to practice it after you can recall it 100% correctly.Overlearning strengthens the memory trace.

[8] Revisions = The more the better.

[9] Strategies = compare, contrast [bring out differences], criticize [your judgement about the truth of facts], define, describe, discuss, evaluate [appraisal of the worth of something], explain, illustrate, interpret, justify, outline [main features], relate [how things are connected], review, state [present in a brief clear form], summarize [chief points], trace [follow from some point of origin].Most thinking involves imagery.Vehicles of thought are images, words and symbols.With complicated thinking there is an increased tendency to abstraction.See the components in relation to each other.Bring relevant knowledge to bear on the problem.Manipulate and reformulate the problem.Define your terms – make sure that you are quite clear about the meaning of the words that you use.Distinguish important from unimportant.

[10] Body = Keep it slightly tensed.Walk while revising.This way your cognition is a lot faster.Only those who are strongly motivated are able to work for long in solitude.eminent men tend to sleep rather longer than others.
Alpha breathing:
Breathe from your diaphragm.Breathe in through your nose for a count of 4.
Hold your breath for a count of 1.When holding imagine that O2 is relaxing your brain and body.
Breathe out for a count of 4.While exhaling imagine that any stress/tension in body/mind are going out with the breath.
Repeat.Do not pause.
Relaxation Response:
Choose a word for which you have deep belief.Sit quietly in a comfortable place.Close your eyes.Move each part of your body a little bit so it relaxes.Breathe slowly and naturally.As you breathe repeat the focus word.Do not worry about doing it well.
Progressive Relaxation:
Lie down.Tense your entire body and then relax it.Now with each breath imagine O2 moving to your brain.

PUT A SHARK IN YOUR TANK

The Japanese have always loved fresh fish. But the waters close to Japan have not held many fish for decades. So to feed the Japanese population, fishing boats got bigger and went farther than ever. The farther the fishermen went, the longer it took to bring in the fish. If the return trip took more than a few days, the fish were not fresh. The Japanese did not like the taste. To solve this problem, fishing companies installed freezers on their boats. They would catch the fish and freeze them at sea. Freezers allowed the boats to go farther and stay longer. However, the Japanese could taste the difference between fresh and frozen and they did not like frozen fish. The frozen fish brought a lower price. So fishing companies installed fish tanks. They would catch the fish and stuff them in the tanks, fin to fin. After a little hrashing around, the fish stopped moving. They were tired and dull, but alive. Unfortunately, the Japanese could still taste the difference. Because the fish did not move for days, they lost their fresh-fish taste. The Japanese preferred the lively taste of fresh fish, not sluggish fish. So how did Japanese fishing companies solve this problem? How do they get fresh-tasting fish to Japan? To keep the fish tasting fresh, the Japanese fishing companies still put the fish in the tanks. But now they add a small shark to each tank. The shark eats a few fish, but most of the fish arrive in a very lively state. The fish are challenged.
As soon as you reach your goals, such as finding a wonderful mate, starting a successful company, paying off your debts or whatever, you might lose your passion. You don't need to work so hard so you relax. Like the Japanese fish problem, the best solution is simple. It was observed by L. Ron Hubbard in the early 1950's."Man thrives, oddly enough, only in the presence of a challenging environment."
The Benefits of a Challenge
The more intelligent, persistent and competent you are, the more you enjoy a good problem. If your challenges are the correct size, and if you are steadily conquering those challenges, you are happy. You think of your challenges and get energized. You are excited to try new solutions. You have fun. You are alive!
Recommendations
Instead of avoiding challenges, jump into them. Beat the heck out of them. Enjoy the game.If your challenges are too large or too numerous, do not give up. Failing makes you tired. Instead, reorganize. Find more determination, more knowledge, more help. Don't create success and lie in it. You have resources, skills and abilities to make a difference. Put a shark in your tank and see how far you can really go!

A MOTHERS PRAYER TO THE WORLD

World – take my child by the hand – he starts school today. It is all going to be strange and new to him for a while and I wish you would sort of treat him gently. You see up to now he has been king of roost. He has been boss of the backyard. I have always been around to repair his wounds, and I have always been handy to soothe his feelings.
But now things are going to be different. This morning he is going to walk down the front steps, wave his hand and start on a great adventure that probably will include wars and tragedy and sorrow. To live in this world will require faith, and love and courage. So world I wish you would sort of take him by his young hand and teach him the things he will have to know. Teach him – but gently if you can. He will have to learn I know that all people are not just – that all men and women are not true. Teach him that for every scoundrel there is a hero, that for every enemy there is a friend. Let him learn early that the bullies are the easiest people to lick.
Teach him the wonder of books. Give him quiet time to ponder the eternal mystery of birds in the sky, bees in the sun, and flowers on a green hill. Teach him that it is far more honorable to fail than to cheat. Teach him to have faith in his own ideas, even if everyone tells him they are wrong. Try to give my son the strength not to follow the crowd, when everyone else is getting on the bandwagon. Teach him to listen to others but to filter all he hears on a screen of truth and to take only the good that comes through.
Teach him never to put a price tag on his heart and soul. Teach him to close his ears on the howling mob – and to stand and fight if he thinks he is right. Teach him gently, world, but do not coddle him, because only the test of fire makes fine steel.
This is a big order, world but see what you can do. He is such a nice son.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN

MAN'S SEARCH FOR MEANING

The following have been taken from the book – ‘MAN’S SEARCH FOR MEANING’ by VICTOR E.FRANKL.

[1] Don’t aim at success – the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued ; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one’s personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as a by-product of one’s surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it. I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge. Then you will live to see that in the long run – in the long run, I say! – success will follow you precisely because you had forgotten to think of it.

[2] If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore the ‘size’ of human suffering is absolutely relative.

[3] Everything can be taken from a man but one thing – the last of the human freedoms : to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

FLOW STATES

Purpose of Flow

Control attention / mood / willpower

experience flow regardless of external conditions

increasingly complex self because of enjoyable interactions

serenity/satisfaction.

Gifts of Flow

Enjoy every minute of your life

Personal growth

It’s through flow that culture evolves – new science, new technology.

9 Major Components of Flow

[1] Clear goals : Not only overall goal, but every minute what you want to accomplish (moment by moment goals). Learn to build moment by moment goals. The goals should not be conflicting. A constant knowing of what you want to do. Differentiated (open to experience variety of interests/skills) at the same time harmoniously integrated (so the various goals are meaningful and reinforce each other instead of conflicting with each other).

[2] Immediate feedback : Am I getting closer to what I want to accomplish? Moment by moment feedback. With this information, you may change course as you move along.

[3] Matching challenges and skills : Challenges of the activity are matched with the skills of the person. skills > challenges = boring, challenges > skills = stress.

[4] Feeling of focus of concentration on what you are doing : Split attention merges into a single beam of concentrated focussed attention. Relishing the moment. Become a master of your consciousness. You must know how to harness attention to your goals.

[5] Everyday frustrations are removed from attention : No past. No future. No everyday frustrations of life. Flow is a form of escape. You are escaping from reality.

[6] You feel that you can be in control of your experience : Not complete control, but you are on an edge where control is possible.

[7] Loose a sense of self-consciousness (What others think of you) : This is one of the worst feelings that we carry with us. When in flow you are so involved that you don’t have the luxury of worrying about yourself. ego defenses lost. Not aware of yourself as a vulnerable defenseless entity. Going beyond the limits of the self (sense of transcendence).You are not isolated but part of the energy that flows around you.

[8] Sense of time transformed : Hours condensed into minutes. Trying to beat time = most efficient way to do it. You are in control of your time.

[9] Autotelic (auto = self ; talos = goal) experience : Consciousness reflects our attention. Consciousness is in harmony and focussed. One that is worth having for it’s own sake. The more we can have this experience the better off we are.

Habits of an autotelic personality
[1] Ability to set overall goals + small goals
[2] Their attention is under their own control
[3] Becoming immersed in the activity
The outcome is that you learn. You become a knowledgeable participant in everything you do. Evaluate it in terms of your goals.

The 5 C’s of a complex personality

Complex self = open to a greater variety of experiences than other people and you know how to integrate this greater variety of experiences into your activity.
Clarity : Overall clarity and moment by moment clarity.
Centering : Ability to center. To focus. To avoid distractions and control your attention / consciousness / psychic energy. To become one with what you are doing.
Choice : Knowing that there are a variety of possibilities around you, that you are not determined by outside events, that you are not forced to do the things you do, but you have a choice. Not that you have to do it, but you want to do it.
Commit : Care for what you do.
Challenge : Keep increasing the challenge. Always ready for novelty. New challenges and new skills are needed else you will get bored/frustrated/anxious.

Psychic entropy : Confusion / randomness / chaos of consciousness. Part of my brain wants to do one thing, another part of my brain wants to do something else and my body yet a different thing. Boredom and anxiety are entropic states. Boredom is because of lack of focus and anxiety is because you are overwhelmed. Mental conflict.

Stress : Stress will interfere with flow states. Stress is not automatic. It is our reaction to external strain and depending on how we react to this external, strain we can minimize stress.
3 ways to minimize stress when external conditions produce strain.

[1] Loss of self consciousness : self-consciousness is becoming very aware of the strain and then getting involved in defensive/repressive reactions. Your ability to confront declines. Become objective (somewhat detached) and be self-assured [requires ‘state of mind’ + ‘realistic skills’]. Self-assured = secure in your abilities.

[2] Focus attention outside

[3] To discover new solutions and thereby reduce stress in the long run.

WHY MAKE YOURSELF CRAZY?

[1] Do one thing at a time. Enjoy it. Do it well. Humans have yet to get the hang of multi-tasking.

[2] You can’t cheat sleep. Get the required amount.

[3] Make changes in your life gradually. Do it by degrees. Be patient.

[4] Get into shape. Regular fitness routine, sensible eating habits.

[5] Speak up. The only stupid question is the one that’s not asked. Get basic concepts cleared.

[6] Eliminate meaningless deadlines. Do it ‘as long as it takes to do it right’.

[7] Don’t view life as cyclical. View your life as a straight line stretching off toward the future. Break monotony. Let new things happen.

[8] Accept and respect differences.

[9] Take frequent breaks.

[10] Leave the table a little hungry.

[11] Accept that life can be messy at times.

[12] Don’t look for instant results.

[13] Happiness is a moment to moment thing. There are no conditions to be fulfilled.

[14] Keep your quest for knowledge focussed and selective. Don’t try to know everything.

[15] Don’t over-volunteer.

[16] Steer clear off negative people.

[17] Take naps. Half hour siesta.

[18] If you don’t want to answer the phone …….. don’t. There are few things that can’t wait until you’re available to talk.

[19] Don’t feel guilty losing touch with people.

[20] Read more books, fewer periodicals (newspapers / magazines). Books give us long term intellectual nourishment.

[21] There’s nothing wrong with doing nothing. You’re grabbing the reins of a runaway team of horses and pulling them back into an easy manageable pace.

[22] Improve your vocabulary.

[23] Do things off-peak. Avoid the crowds. Do things when everyone else isn’t.

[24] Measured, lung-filling, stress-reducing breaths.

[25] Learn to listen. Truly listen – you’ll learn more.

[26] Write it down – names, tasks etc.

[27] Forgive and forget. Be realistic and build the likelihood of human error into your expectations.

[28] Stop worrying about your age.

[29] Make waiting worthwhile. Use it productively. Fine tune your plans for the day, observe the world around you, search for ideas or simply relax.

[30] Take responsibility for your own life.

[31] Do what needs to be done first ……. first. Then descend.

[32] Don’t lend out books. You’ll never get them back. Tell them its available at the library / bookstore.

[33] Don’t be self-conscious. Being self-conscious distracts you from your larger purpose. Imperfections make you more human.

[34] Stop and think. Run possible scenarios. Consider alternatives.

[35] Speak clearly and deliberately.

[36] Start with a clean work surface.

[37] Don’t say it, do it. Don’t reveal what you intend to do …… but simply do it.

[38] See the humor in things. Have a good chuckle. Laugh at your mistakes. Eases the scene.

[39] Use the proper tools. The job gets done faster. Learn to use them properly.

[40] Take stock. From time to time – stop and take stock of where you are. Are you headed in the right direction?

Why make yourself crazy?

LET'S GET USED UP

MY LIFE was written in haste. It seemed like i had to pour out a lot that day. Why not to procrastinate. Like George Bernard Shaw said "This is the true joy in life – being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one. Don’t be a selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die. For the harder I work, the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me. It’s a sort of splendid torch which I’ve got to hold up for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it to future generations." So lets all simply 'get used up.' MY CHILD was written for my niece. She is such a darling - full of innocence and curiousity - Why does He pluck away all these in the process of so-called 'Growth'. I want to retain both even if it costs me my life.

MY CHILD

The goal here is to raise a child who values hardwork, empathy, love and to instil her with curiousity. Love, for self and for others. I don’t know what is meant by intelligence and if you were to ever use this term, I would not stick by the rule that all intelligent people succeed. So once we have infused her with these basic qualities we can rest assured that she can take decisions for herself. Let me eloborate four important points here.
( 1 ) Happiness: It is important to remember that happiness is never a destination.We do not reach it. We live happiness. It is a moment to moment thing.

( 2 ) Success: You first define it then you go for it and get it whatever it may be. If a guy wants a house, car and a happy family and if he ultimately gets it he can be called a successful man. We have no right to decide what is success / failure for another person. Only he can decide for himself.

( 3 ) Love: The will to extend oneself to improve one’s own or another person’s spirituality. Spirituality used interchangeably with mental abilities. It is an active process. It can never be passive.

( 4 ) Empathy: To put yourself in the other persons place and feel how he/she feels.
I will now list out a few of the points that I think are important. It is by no means complete. You may keep adding to this list. Be consistent in following these rules. Don’t look for instantaneous results. It may take some time for the change to take hold.
[1] Lead by example.There is nothing which is more important than this.In essence you have to be good for your child to be good. You will be her biggest role model for the first few years. If this is not implemented nothing that follows will be effective.
[2] Emotional Security. She needs emotional security. Without a secure home, the other areas of development will only be meagre.Basically – someone to lean on always, and especially during troubled times. Emotional security requires unconditional love from your side. When there is conflict between both parents never discuss sensitive issues within their earshot. Emotional turmoil must be kept to a minimum.
[3] Unconditional Love. Foster’s emotional security. When you need to correct her never blame her, blame the deed. ‘ You are a very good girl but what you did was wrong ‘ instead of ‘you are a bad girl’.
[4] Never get angry. Children know when you are not in control. Say it in a stiff and soft voice without getting angry.
[5] Allow her to explore. If you prevent her from doing this she may eventually loose that holy curiousity. Only be strict when she causes mental (or) physical harm to others in the process of exploration. Otherwise exude tolerance. Do not distract her when she is in the process of exploration [called a flow state]. During a flow state self conciousness is completely lost and all she thinks of is the task at hand. It is a very pleasurable state.
[6] Bombard the senses. Keep stimulating those senses – vision, hearing ,touch, taste and smell.Touch is mans most primitive need give it often and always.
[7] Give Responsibility. Like daily chores at home. Giving her responsibility makes her feel very important. She will like it. She will do it. Make her feel she is the only person who can do such a difficult task.
[8] Be liberal with appreciation. Praise all the good things she does liberally. Praise her infront of others. Ignore the bad ones – it will soon [ definitely not over night] die away. Be very strict if she causes mental/ physical harm to others. Explain to her how it would cause harm. Give her rewards [like chocolates] whenever she does good deeds.
[9] Explain. Always give her a valid genuine explanation of why she should not do something (or) why it is very important that she does something. Make sure she understands.
[10] Give respect. Treat her like how you would treat any other adult. If you treat her like a genius she will eventually become one. If you treat her like a fool she will eventually become one.
[11] Never Compare. She should learn to compete with herself, not with other children. Afterall the direction which she has chosen is unique. Other children have their own directions. Her silver lining is very different from that of other children.
[12] Spend quality time with her. By quality time I mean one to one interaction, not passive togetherness. Both parties benefit.
[13] Allow her to spend quality time with other children. Avoid children who – are destructive, lack morality/ good manners, cause mental / physical harm to others. Always keep an eye out on whom she spends time with. Ask older children to teach her things they know.
[14] Don’t always go to her rescue. She needs to learn how to navigate through various life circumstances. But be behind the scenes – offer some help when asked for. Don’t pamper. To pamper is to make her dependent on you. It is never an act of love.
[15] Foster independence. Independence and confidence need to be encouraged in word and deed.
[16] Altruism. Encourage her to help other children who are in trouble. Altruism will provide her with confidence.
[17] Brute force does not work. If she does not like doing something find out why. Most probably there is a good reason. Make her do things out of her own will. Do not force it upon her.
[18] Academic teaching. Keep it at a level slightly higher than what she is capable of presently. Her ability to think and take in information is infinite. Make it very playful. When reading aloud choose stories that convey a strong positive message. Encourage her to ask questions. Spend considerable time answering them. If you don’t know the answer say so and get back after making appropriate references. Maintain good rapport with school teachers. Follow whats happening in school closely.
[19] Listen. When she talks to you listen. Listen with full concentration as if that is the only thing you were born to do. Answer appropriately.
[20] Convey the same ideas / message over time and between people. Both parents must convey the same message regarding an issue.Each parent must also convey the same message over time.Varying (or) saying the completely opposite advice will confuse her.When you take a stance stick to it. Do not bend the rules just because she is crying. Some amount of discipline is essential. Let her know that all decisions are for her benefit.
Our work here is to instil basic humane qualities into her.This is like the foundation of a house and will have a beneficial impact throughout her life.Once she learns to respect hard work, empathy, love and curiousity – she can choose a path suited to her likings.The final path is best left to her. Enjoy Yourself. Enjoy her company. You will never get these days back. Life is too short to be wasted in anger, worry and fear. Awful=anger worry fear useless luxuries.

MY LIFE

There will be one day [and that day is not far off] when even moving my body will be an effort, when my gray cells will fail me and I would have lost that very important internal locus of control.
At the age of 70 I am sitting in a chair, my appendages ruined by arthritis, my lungs barely oxygenating my frail body and I am unable to remember what I ate for breakfast today. The strong ador of urine has spilt into the room, my inner garments are wet and I know it only from the feel of fluid on my inner thighs. The ‘sleeping pill’ my doctor has given me is not working. I am neither awake nor asleep.
There is this incessant dull pain-I should rather call it some kind of ‘void’-deep inside my chest. This is not another heart attack. I know it. My doctor is empathetic and caring, even he seems to have no cure for it. I think about 'God'. I have not thought of Him all these years. Why now? I don’t know. I ask myself "Have I lived life to the fullest?", "Has my presence made any difference in this world?". These are the questions only I can answer. Yet the answer seems to elude me. I am being constantly bombarded by fragmented thoughts-thoughts that are driving me insane.
I am in great mental and physical pain. The mental pain is what I am concerned about. I am worried about the past and not about the future .O God early in my journey why did you not stop me and tell me that something akin was looming right ahead. I did not have the sense to think about it, and alas now it’s just too late. Everyone say You are a good God-You could have told me [OR] at least faintly hinted it to me. I would have lived a fuller life.
I can feel the warm tears flowing down my cheeks. I am making no attempt to stop it. The tears seem to ease my burden a bit. But I know I will carry this pain after I am long gone from this earth. I look up at the sky, it’s beautiful. I want a favor from God. I have mustered the courage to ask Him. I am very sure He will give me a positive reply.
ME: O God-I ask for one favor from You, a big one in that. You are a good God and I know You will do me right. Will You give me another lease at life? This time I promise I will do my best.
GOD: My son-you think of me as all-mighty, all-powerful. But even I can’t grant you your wish.